anything goes brownies

Sometimes it just comes to you and you have to stop, and drop everything, and go get it all out on paper or the nearest writing system anything you can get your hands on.

That's what I should have done about 10 minutes ago.


It came, it hit, and instead of halting everything for the sake of the right words, I kept rinsing the bowls I just used to make brownies. Wrong move, Ellyn. Wrong move. I'm about to attempt to reproduce it all, effortlessly and naturally.

One thing, of many, I learned working at the patisserie last summer… When it comes to brownies, don't overwork it. Don't overfold. Don't overstir. Don't press too hard or spread too much or leave it alone for too long. They're a fickle and picky thing, brownies are. Their love language is most definitely NOT physical touch. They want their space and their time alone and they want you to leave them be as much as you can, even though you love them and their raw batter so dearly.

You must stop yourself from putting too much love into your brownies. It's a hard thing, I know. But when that love swells up, grab hold of it with all your might and save it for the next time you make whipped cream or yeasted bread or something with lots of force. Then, only then, will your brownies treat you in return with their kindest, gooiest, fudgiest love.

I've made these brownies only once before- today is my second try, a week later. I tried to work them even less than I did last time, since the last were not as gooey as I'd hoped they would be. And there might be an explanation for this.

Genuine stuff about muffins in coffee shops

Isn't it funny how at certain points in your life, you sense that God is slowly pulling something out of you that is poisonous and untrue, and you form this idea in your head of how that process is going to go and what it's going to end up like; and then a while later, while you're frustratingly in the throes of something really truly difficult, you realize it's the same rope He was pulling before and what you're experiencing is His actual plan of action, not your own?

This happens to me a lot. And it certainly has in the last three months or so. At the beginning of the semester, I remember talking with the friend whom I disciple, and we were sharing our lives and I was telling her about what I thought God was going to work on in my life this semester. They were things I could feel Him pressing on. She asked me if I was nervous, knowing that this might be a painful process. With a smile, I shook my head and said no, that I was ready and excited. These are things that have plagued my peace and threatened my joy for as long as I can remember, things that He has gradually been healing throughout the past three years. I was- I still am- ready for freedom.

One of these things was anxiety, and I think another one might have been self-image issues. I was just flipping through my journal to see if I could find a time when I wrote about it, but I couldn't. I'll have to rely on my memory. When I was thinking about these things at the beginning of the semester, and being free from them, it all seemed so straightforward. God would just tackle anxiety as a whole and help me to stop being anxious in the knowledge that He cares and is in control. All of this is true, but I'm finding that this isn't the way God works.

weird state of life, but oatmeal chocolate chip cookies

These past three months have most certainly been a time of transition. Changing from one country to another, relearning American culture, adjusting to the countless differences, experiencing the heaviness of American schooling versus that of Italy. Constant schedules, crazy busy, any hopeful spare time spent on life-giving sources. When all I really want to do is spend my days with the friends I love in this city in which I've taken root for the last four years, cooking and eating glorious food and celebrating life in general.

In the midst of my reacquaintance, I've been itching to return to writing and photographing and cooking, but the traction to do so collaboratively has been completely absent. So I'm sorry, and I thank you for your patience as I rally myself and my life together again.